Grieving

My mother died 2 weeks ago. Sometimes the grief comes over me in waves. I could not wish her back, because was she suffering at the end. But I miss her terribly.

It's the little things that hit you: Shopping at the grocery store, and realizing you're not buying her favorite food anymore.  Returning items that you purchased for her right before she died. Cleaning out her closet and finding that one shirt that she loved to wear.  The list gets longer each day.

This morning, I realized I was not eating the food in her freezer. While she was alive, I did all of her cooking. Perhaps subconsciously, I realized that if I ate her food, it was finally admitting she was never coming home. I missed her all over again.

I can still hear her voice, strong and clear.  She lost it in the end because of a stroke. I never got to hear that final goodbye or I love you. But I still hear her in my head, the way I still hear my sister's laugh, or my father's jokes. They've been gone over a decade. I hope I will still her her saying "I love you" before I close my eyes at night.